Thriving Not Just Surviving

"Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love." 

My husband and I have been married for a few years now, which I think gives me the grounds to talk about my perspective on marriage and the "male" brain. When my husband and I were engaged, I made it my mission to do some "homework" in preparation for marriage ;). You all know my love for reading...I went straight to the BOOKS in my pursuit of gaining knowledge on my vocation. Of course this was accompanied with a lot of prayer.

25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband by Jennifer Flanders, was beyond insightful and helpful. It is presented from a Christian point of view. Every chapter quotes Scripture, which I love. To give you a sneak peek of what's inside of this lovely book, I will list some bullet points below of excerpts that Jennifer Flanders discusses in the book that really impacted my perspective of my relationship with my husband and how to be a better wife.

• Being respectful to your husband doesn't mean you're inferior to him.
• Being flexible and adaptable and giving increases a husband's love for his wife...it makes them more eager to give in to things that the wife wants.
• How you respond to his love gestures reflects how you feel about him...You are the only person on this earth (as his wife) who can rightfully take care of his children, his house, and fulfill his need for sexual intimacy. You have a moral obligation to do so ( see 1 Corinthians 7:3-5).
• When husbands don't respond the way we think they ought to towards our emotional distress...when they give us a logical solution instead of crying with us, don't get upset. That is the way their brains are wired. They can't help it! Instead of complaining to him about his response, warn him ahead of time that all you want is a hug or a shoulder to cry on..but in the end just except his advice.
• When there are areas of disagreement or concerns that need to be discussed, take care to do so in a calm, cool, collected, and consistently respectful way.

This book ultimately helped me to understand that the way wives respond and act towards our husbands does indeed affect them. They just respond and harvest their emotions completely differently than we do- & that's OK.

I Wish He Had Come With Instructions: A Woman's Guide to a Man's Brain, by Mike Bechtle.   The fact that this book is written from a man's perspective makes all the difference if you're trying to get a peak into a man's thought process and what goes on in their noggins! This book is a great, straight-forward presentation on why a man thinks the way he does. He also compares it to the woman's brain, which is very helpful. He uses scientific facts to back up his assertions which is really helpful. Below are a few bullet points that stood out to me from the book.

• Women tend to use more of their brain to listen and speak. 
• Women have a greater supply of estrogen than men, which impacts the number of neurons used when they're upset. That's why women to to experience stress more intensely than men. (Ahha! This makes so much sense!)
• Women talk with others about their problems and feel better when they discuss solutions, gain empathy from others, and get input about their thoughts. 
• Men don't typically have the chemical release, so they're not drawn to bringing others into their circle when they feel that pressure.
• The problem for communication comes when a woman processes things in a certain way because of her brain chemistry and assumes that her man should be doing the same thing. (RELATABLE!)
• Men don't want to admit that something hurt their feelings, because it makes them feel weak. 
• Men feel emotions deeply. They just don't always know what to do with them.
• A woman can focus on multiple things at a time, while a man gives his entire attention to his current task. "I know she wants something, and I'll give her my full attention as soon as the game is over. But it's the most exciting part!"

I decided to put the following excerpts from "I Wish He Had Come With Instructions..." separate from the latter, because they are that insightful to me. These are responses from men that the author received when he asked them what they NEED from women.

1. Don't bring up things from the past during an argument. Keep it in the past, and stay with the current situation.
2. It's easier for us to feel close to you when we're doing something together than when we're just sitting and talking.
3. Your words impact us more than you'll ever know. If you compliment us in the smallest way, it will carry us for days. Tell us we look nice, and we'll wear that same shirt every time we can. (Ha! I love this!)
4. We need to be admired in all areas of life. Tell us when you notice us doing things well.
5. We need to feel desired by you. If we don't, it shakes our confidence. All it takes is a little playful flirting, and we melt.
6. We love it when you rest your head on our shoulder.
7. The biggest compliment that you can give us is that you feel safe with us. It satisfies our protective instinct.
8. We want to be your hero. If you convince us that it's true, we'll do anything for you.

Yes.. This was quite a lengthy post. It's an important topic, though. One, for myself, that takes a lot of reflection, practice, and determination of character. I found these two books to be very beneficial...not only the first time that I read them, but even now, as a married woman. I find myself looking through them again, reminding myself of the important points that they taught me years ago.

 It's easy to think more about our children, because we are with them more (most of the time). It's also easy to forget what our husband goes through in the work world. Their jobs are demanding, just as ours are...but part of our job is preparing the home to be a welcoming, comforting, consoling, relaxing place for our husband to rest in after a long day of work. This is something that I am still trying to perfect. They want to know that we appreciate everything they do. We can show them how much we love them through our actions and words. 

Marriage is a true vocation. It's not an easy one. It's not like the movies portray it to be most of the time. It's something to fight for. It's something to be valued...It's not always rose peddles and butterflies. It's so worth it though. Loving our husband & in turn our children, is the most important thing we can do. Through our love for them, we love Jesus. So let's not just strive to survive in our relationships; let's strive to THRIVE. <3

Please comment any additional tips you have on material or relationship advice :-)! 

~Adele~

P.S.- Be on the lookout for other posts this week! I have been a bit busy with my quickly-growing John Everett, and haven't had the chance to sit down and peck away at these keys in a while. It's good to be back. I'll be posting more soon!